My Love and Fear of Filmmaking

 I love film. I love watching films. I love talking about films. Films have helped me guide my way through life, to inspire me, and at the end of the day, entertain and lift me up. To me theaters are my churches which I sit down in front of a screen, popcorn in hand, and await the sermon in the form of storytelling to get the message from example of the characters of the movie. I’m always on the lookout for the newest releases. I research every crevice of a film from how it was written, how the director approached the story, and general behind the scenes notes. I love film!


It’s no secret if you know me that I’d also LOVE to make a film. I’ve written a few short scripts that’ve just sat around gathering dust. I’m also in the process of writing two of my first feature-length films I’ve had brewing in my noggin, and a few treatments are brewing until I can get to them. I talk everyone’s ear off that’s a creative with the ideas and have such pride and hopes for it. Yet, I’m 30 and haven’t made a film yet. Not even a short film. I’d love nothing more than to do it. I’ve basically spent my 20’s beating around the bush on it. 


My first experience on a solo gig of my own ideas was holding out feelers for a short film I was going to shoot called “Free Marriage Advice.” It was a deadpan comedy idea of two single shlubs giving unwarranted, unhelpful marriage advice to a couple whose marriage is on the rocks. Any actor who wanted in didn’t take it seriously (except the first actress I asked, Ellie, the true professional) and the project fell apart due to my confidence falling after those actors bowed out. I’d like to take a day or two to tweak it and refine it and give it another go. It’s a dumb idea, but a fun one and a good introduction to what I’d like to do. That and some horror, mystery, scifi, and drama ideas are kicking around, too. 


The problem with that is that I’m fucking terrified to do it. 


The fear of filmmaking for me probably stems from inexperience and making a film, short or full length, requires someone to play Pied Piper toward a creative voice to one story and hope a whole group of people is on the same page for that one particular vision. I hadn’t taken any classes on it in school. I’m not a trained writer by any means. 


I have been a helper on a couple of short films. A buddy of mine would grab his camera and go, “We’re shooting a dumb short film write now. No script. All improv.” Then we would. My creative confidant Ryan would shoot film ideas back and forth, getting down some terrific ideas I’d love to get to someday. I loved it. I want to help on many other films in the future if someone would have me. To support an artist’s dream to bring a story to life sounds like the most fun. A real labor of love. 


I just haven’t been moving forward with any of mine. I’m just way too inexperienced. 


Though I’ve been getting better about approaching one. I had a heart to heart with a friend who works in the film industry about my anxieties about jumping into filmmaking. “You just gotta shoot a film. Make it 10 minutes. 5 minutes. 1 minute. 30 seconds. Whatever’s easy for you,” he said (I’m paraphrasing.) That calmed me down a lot. Whatever’s easier for me to get the necessary experience to improve my craft. It’s a new skillset. Something I haven’t tackled yet. 


It’s funny because I’ve been preaching for years that we’re never too old to pick up new hobbies, yet here I am tiptoeing around the thing I want to do. Am I just going to stand by while other people do what I want to do? Fuck that. I want to make films! My passion is too loud for that. I just have to take that first step into the water, no matter how shallow or big it is, I just need to get in the water. 


I’ll rework my short script. I’ll assemble my crew. I’ll finish my scripts! I’ll make movies, goddammit! 


I certainly hope so, anyway.

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