A Meditation: Returning to the Land of the Living

This post is aiming me summing up my couple of weeks of bereavement. 

Grief takes a lot out of you, but there's also something to be taken from grief. I’ve learned a lot about losing a parent the past couple of weeks. I learned I’m taking it better than I did the loss of my brother. My brother was unexpected. With mom, we prepared. My brother had a lot of life to live at 39. My mom was content with the life she lived and was ready to go. It doesn’t erase the pain but the blow was certainly softened a little bit. It was certainly apples and oranges in the types of death a family can deal with, both of which were thrown directly at my family’s faces tenfold. But we’re a persistent group of people. 

I once read that grief is “love that has nowhere to go.” I think that’s true to an extent. I gave as much love to mom as she was around as I could. I certainly don’t have any regrets. With two weeks passed now, I can appreciate the good times a little better without excessively crying. Though there are those moments where a core memory comes out of nowhere and the waterworks come a’pourin’. With grief this time around, I’m just physically tired. Very, very tired. I’ve just been wandering around the house with little goals in mind. But I’m slowly starting to feel myself coming back to the land of the living. I’m writing this is some good in mind. To my friends who will eventually lose their parents, I’ll say: 

It does get better. It may take awhile, but it will get better. 

One of the things that’ve helped me along the way is spending some time with friends who’ve lost a parent themselves. They understand, they won’t sugar coat anything for me. They’ll just be there for you because it’s a distinct small club that gets bigger the older we get. We all join eventually. They listened to me rant and allowed me to reminisce on the good times. For that, I’m entirely grateful for the valuable friendship they’ve given me. And when a friend loses their parent, I can help them traverse that hellish landscape. Love is cyclical and must be given freely so much it becomes a threat. It’s how we remember the good in the world, me thinks. 

I’ll also tell you what hasn’t been helpful. It’s mainly me lounging around, settling like the grief has because that’s when that content feeling of despair takes a hold of you. People sending me a thousand memes without any words of encouragement along with it. Like, can you leave me alone? It’s a tad inappropriate. I appreciate the thought, but leave me alone, please. I’ve also had a couple friends make plans with me without my permission? Like, “Hey, we’re doing this!” I also appreciate the thought there (minimally,) but it was a couple days since my mom died with that particular friend group. Can you at least wait until I get my mom’s ashes before you selfishly make YOUR plans without my thoughts on it? Thank you fucking-kindly. 

I’ve been on walks. I’ve went to the movies a few times. I played disc golf. I’ve spent a lot of time with my brothers, my sister, niece, and my dad. I’ve read a lot of schlocky horror comics. I’ve tried to write, but came up short minus all these posts. I ate a lot of junk food. I’ve continued life. All that helps a little bit. I’ve appreciated all the hang outs I’ve had with friends. The biggest help was definitely people just talking to me about literally anything else besides my mom and the situation. I have a lot of thoughts on things and I appreciated any conversation someone wanted to have with me. A lot of people were there to help me and I very much appreciate it. 

I’m a guy that struggles with depression and suicidal thinking time to time. I don’t feel suicidal at the moment. Life is cruel. Though with a situation like this, I pay extra attention because of all the good that surrounds me. That’s another thing with grief: Life happens with or without you, but you get to decide when you want to join back in. Like some sick amusement park ride, or something. Take a breather, puke a little, and hop back on when you’re ready. Thing’s take time and time is the only thing that we truly have at our disposal. 

I feel much better. My time to return to the land of the living is imminent. I look forward to coming back to my bands. I look forward to hanging out with friends. Work… well I like my coworkers and money so that’ll be cool, I guess. I look forward to falling back in love with life again. I very much miss it after putting it on hold the past nine months. 

With it, I very much would like to hit writing again. My mom says I have to be a writer and feel I’m doing a disservice by not finishing stories, books, screenplays. What a supporter, right? It was the greatest permission I was given next to the permission to live this life. That’s all we all look for is, permission, right? Not everyone gets that slip. Everyone should though. Take care of yourselves, everyone. Much love. 

Though if I hear “thoughts and prayers” one more time, I’m going to fucking scream. Sounds dismissive doesn’t it? Like a copy and pasted comment that means nothing to me at this point. If the prayers worked in the first place, the Big Man upstairs wouldn’t have taken my mom in the first place, yeah? 

I digress. I’m one person out of eight billion on this planet and it’s not my job to determine how the current sways, you know? If I spend too much time thinking about it, I’ll drown in said current.