Start of 2022: Cautiously Getting Shit Together

    So I totally thought I would keep up with article posts in 2021. Turns out that was a (hash)pipe dream because one has to be baked out of their freaking mind if they think they can start up a blog when the world seemed to be falling apart. Oops. That's my bad. 

    I was cautious about the new year and all that. That being resolutions always go by the wayside, and you know, in the midst that world not functioning at 100%, I can't say I blame anyone, including me. However, being a couple weeks in I feel rather... good for once? I still have all my problems (depression, an unhappiness about my current stage of where I am as a person), but I think I have quite a handle of things as well as I can manage at the moment. 

    I beat myself up in the past for not writing as much as I should, not interacting with people as much as I should, not being in a career I want for myself, and because I'm a nerd who should give me his lunch money. That's alright. Shit takes time. I'm slowly getting to where I want to be. As for my New Year's resolution I say: Fuck man, I just want to be happy! That's all a man can ask for. Simple enough to grasp but a marathon to maintain. I'll just list a few things that I've done that I think helped me feel so (albeit cautiously) optimistic in this brand new spankin' new year. 

    First, I got back into a steady writing habit. Something more sustainable. I won't tell ya what that is as to not jinx myself BUT things have been running smoothly. Working on comic scripts, short prose, poetry, and now blogs again. This time I don't feel overwhelmed which is a huge step forward and a much needed relief. 

    Secondly, I've been playing music once again. I had quit my last band in 2015 only when I felt no other option to do so. It sucked very hard because expressing myself through music is so important for me. So when I joined Massive Denial in July 2021, I felt that important part return to me. Along with shredding the bass, I continue to play guitar, the ukulele, and picked up some new toys like my mandolin and a trumpet. Along with that I've also been practicing singing. I haven't sung fully in front of anyone, but I think 2022 will be the year I do so, and while it's terrifying because your voice is such a vulnerable instrument, it's also exciting because I get to show a side of myself no one has seen before.  

    Thirdly, I found what's most important to staying in touch with friends. I used to be so self-conscious when thinking of messaging someone, as if I'm bothering them, that I was practically silent for a good while. So, I stepped out of my comfort zone. I attended this art club at BT, I go to friends' after work to play Magic the Gathering, I tend to say yes now when friends ask to hang out. And the attitude has been improved since not being this mountain man loner like in the past seven or so years. It feels amazing to be out there sharing memories with other people. I couldn't do that without the amazing friends that I have. I still have this social anxiety but I'm managing my pain with it little by little. 

    I think the thing to take away from this I guess is to not put so much pressure on yourself when you want to set goals - and I mean bad pressure. Like setting unrealistic expectations on yourself when things you want to accomplish will happen when they happen. It's a new year and I think it'll be alright. Not a great year, not a good one, not a bad one, but one full of opportunity and careful choices to be made. 

    So with that, I wanted to wrap up this whole spiel with not goals, but things I'd like to do beyond a timeframe of a year. I'd like to: 

- Get a poetry chapbook released by myself

- Make a single comic book (by myself or with some talented friends)

- Do an acoustic show or videos to let everyone know that I want to sing some songs in my heart

- Make some short stories and maybe start work on a novel

- To lose some weight. To be under 200 lbs. and feel attractive for once would be amazing

But overall, I want to relax, take it easy, and be able to bask in happiness I will feel throughout the year without having my self esteem or my anxieties and depressions trample over that great feeling. Let's see how this experiment goes!