100 Days of Sobriety

     It was the summer of good ol' '22 that I learned a valuable lesson: Happiness is not at the bottom of an empty bottle. 

    I haven't done a blog post in a hot minute. It's been a busy summer... Busy year. Thought I would change that now that I hit a milestone I kind of kept close to my chest. November 22nd marks the 100th day I maintained sobriety from alcohol. On August 14th, I awoke from a heavy night of drinking the day before and I was told of the trouble I had caused a friend and the mess I had made in their house. And I couldn't remember a damn minute of it. But I'll paint a pretty picture with the details I do recall and that summer leading up to it. 

    There's this problem I have/had regarding alcohol, is that when I start drinking for the night I really have a hard time stopping or knowing when I've had enough. Binge drinking just seemed so fun because feeling all loopy and silly felt amazing because in my day to day life,I felt so serious and so uptight that I wasn't any fun to be around. So I'd have 1, 2... , 13 beers before I felt the night was a 'success' in achieving good feelings. 

    Then I found out the paradox of binge drinking, which is: you're not fun until you're drunk, but if you drink TOO much then you're killing the good vibes of the party you're out at. 

    I'm a reserved person and don't really express myself properly as well as I'd like sometimes. I started drinking at the ripe old age 20, only four months before my 21st birthday (Yes, do take me to jail, Officer), and I found the ability to drop my inhibition of this shy curtain I've draped over myself. Then I would feel good... really good... So my thought process was "Well, if three beers make me feel good, then twelve beers would have to make me feel GREAT!" 

    And so I'd do that every time I'd have a beer. Only have about a 50/50 chance of throwing up or not. Sometimes I would, sometimes not. When it was the 'sometimes not', I felt on top of the world! Then 50% became 100% of the time in regards to making myself sick. I had some not pretty nights during the beginning of the year just drinking just to cut loose and have some fun. 

    Then there were some changes in my life that was beyond my control. I wasn't seeing any of my friends, I didn't see my siblings all too much, I'd been single (still am, but y'know), just overall lonely and my routine was really grinding my lust of life. This was all because I didn't have free weekends. So my friends would meet up without me, and I'd be stuck where I had been for the better part of three years. Nothing was changing and I was quickly becoming miserable. But you know what made me happy (at least in the moment)? A couple of cold beers. 

    There was this one time during that winter that I was drinking just because I had my weekend and work was particularly rough that week. So I drank... by myself. My usual suspects to hang with were busy, so I just pulled up Youtube, put on a queue, and started crackin'. It was about the fifth double-sized beer that I began to enter the silly phase of drunkenness. Great times, then I threw up into a bag from overdoing it. Not so great. What made that night stick out from the rest was me cleaning up after myself and the words coming out of me were just so negative. And they were directed at myself. 

    "Useless. No one loves you. You're a failure. I wish I were dead," I'd repeat. That's not nice to say to anyone, let alone yourself. A rough night to say the least. Then that thought process was rinse and repeat that spring and the beginning of summer. 

    Cut to the summer and I FINALLY got Fridays and Saturdays off due to constant begging, as I really needed time to see loved ones and finally do things. So my first Saturday off... August 13th, I was ready to get down and have some fun with the very first night I get to see all my friends again. So I met with quite a few of my friends and family members for a fun night. I needed to have a great time, I needed to be fun.

    It was great until it just wasn't fun anymore. 

    That night I was in a pool just THROWING back beer after beer. I needed to be the most fun version of me as I could. Regular me just wasn't going to cut it, I thought. So within two and a half hours, I drink the equivalence of 11 beers and 2, 3 shots? Needless to say I burned out quickly and violently became sick after making a total ass in front of myself in front of my friends who just wanted a nice time, and here I was fucking it up. I had to be told of what all had happened because I don't even recall getting out of the pool that night. I had blacked out for a solid eight hours before I woke up, ignorant, that next morning. 

    I was disgusted I had gotten myself out of control like that. I'm usually top of things, quiet, and respectful, and here I was letting Mr. Hyde out of the shadows like an asshole. Cut to me weeping like a child, still very drunk, after learning of my escapades of the previous night. I went home when I was sober enough to drive and decided to stay that way until I could better control myself. I thought, "If I could make it to 100 days sober, then I can MAYBE think about drinking again one day. Until then it's time for some reflecting." 

    And so I did. And here we are, I'm 101 days sober as of writing this. I had a goal and I beat that shit! Some days were more easy than others, but I did it all the same in the end. Some days however, I would just die for a beer and lose myself for just a brief period in time. But I couldn't do that with that mindset. It's pretty unhealthy. The urge gnaws at me time to time, but my overall mood definitely became better since then. I've been able to see my friends, get some writing done, better my temperament, and express myself positively. I still struggle with negative feelings and a dreadful loneliness, but I've definitely been able to process it healthier. 

    What became a mantra of mine was "A man takes a drink, a drink takes a drink, and then the drink takes a man," a saying I first heard in the film, Doctor Sleep; the sequel to The Shining and at its core, a film about recovery and sobriety. That movie laid heavily on my mind as I was maintaining sobriety. The following is between an 8-year sober Dan Torrence and the ghost of his father, Jack while talking over a glass of Jack Daniel's.

Dan: Oh, dad... This drink'll cost an awful lot.
Lloyd/Jack: Your money's no good here. Orders from the house.
Dan: It'll cost more than money. It'll cost me eight years. Eight behind me and who knows how many in front of me...
Lloyd/Jack: Your credit is fine, Mr. Torrance.
[Dan picks up the drink and contemplates it.]
Dan: Man takes a drink. The drink takes a drink. And then the drink takes a man. Ain't it so, Dad?
[Beat]
Jack: Medicine. Medicine is what it is. Bonafide cure-all. Depression. Stress. Remorse, failure, wipes it all away. The mind is a blackboard and this...
[He takes the drink]
Jack: Is the eraser.
[He gulps it down, then sets down the empty glass.]
Jack: A man tries. He provides. But he's surrounded by mouths that eat and scream and cry and nag. So, he asks for one thing, just one thing for him, to warm him up. To take the sting out of those days, of the mouths eating and eating and eating everything he makes, everything he has. And that family. A wife. A kid. Those mouths eat time.
[He refills the glass]
Jack: They eat your days on earth. They just gobble them up. It's enough to make a man sick. And this...
[He pushes the glass towards Dan]
Jack: Is the medicine. So tell me, pup... are you gonna take your medicine?
Dan: I'm not.
[Jack angrily swipes the glass across the counter. Dan nearly breaks down]
Jack/Lloyd: Oh, look at that. I'm sorry. Clumsy old me, Mr. Torrance. Let's get you cleaned up.

    That scene alone strikes me to the core. On one side of the fence, you may give in to your addictions, your unpleasantness and become a bastard like Jack Torrence, or you can find redemption and turn yourself around like Dan. I could dissect that entire movie for a blog post later on, but that scene runs through my head anytime I get the urge to numb the unpleasantries of my life. 

    Maybe one day I'll have another drink and to handle myself better, but the need for it has dwindled a lot.  If you're struggling, I really hope this rambling has inspired you a little and that you seek out the help you think you may need. We all deserve to get better and have a better life. I've had so many friends help me along the way. What really kept me on track was a friend of mine, Shenan. She was also abstaining from alcohol at the same time I was, so we always kept/still keep each other in check. Support goes along way because Lord knows we can't do everything ourselves. 

    I really do have a lot of loved ones that love me and that are looking after me. It takes the sting out of a bad day and shines some light on when you feel most weak, to remind you what the warmth feels like. Thank you.